"A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control" (Proverbs 29:11). "An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins" (Proverbs 29:22).
Since the above warnings come from the Bible, does that mean God expects us to stuff in the anger we feel for one another rather than expressing it? Does it mean that we are fools if we let our spouse know how angry we are at him or her? No... it means that we need to be careful of the way and the timing in which we vent it.
"Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him" (Proverbs 29:20). Giving full vent to our anger in haste (without considering the consequences or the end result) is what makes us a fool and leads us to sin. "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions" (Proverbs 18:2).
Expressing our concerns can actually be helpful and can result in eventually drawing us closer together. But it can also backfire on us if we're not careful in how we let it be known. "A couple's mindset about conflict and how they resolve it is the single most significant predictor of whether or not a marriage can thrive. What couples often don't understand about conflict is that it's not about having the last word. It's about taking the time to understand where the other person is coming from and the willingness to deal with the issues at hand in a constructive way" (Janet Bales).
To explain a bit more on this subject we'd like to share something written by Julie Baumgardner featured in the Chattanooga Times Free Press. The article titled "Anger in Marriage" reads:
Mark and Lori Kuebler were planning to redecorate their home, but they didn't agree on how to accomplish the task. At one point Lori made a suggestion. Mark responded by looking at her, and saying, "Are you serious?" What started out as a small disagreement quickly escalated into a blow out. "My feelings were hurt and I felt belittled" said Mrs Kuebler. "We ended up not speaking to each other for several days."
For "20 years, I've worked with thousands of people to help them learn how to appropriately deal with their anger," said Paul Hegstrom, Ph.D. Founder of Life Skills International, which was developed to teach hurting people the skills they should have learned in a balanced loving home. All of us have experienced the emotion of anger. Because most people have never been taught how to deal with anger constructively, people are often confused about what to do with their anger. According to the many of the latest movies, if a person is angry the appropriate response is to seek revenge, which usually equates to violence.
Interestingly, research validates that 96-98 per cent of what people get angry about is rooted in childhood. "When people have been wounded they tend to gravitate toward and marry a person that they believe can fulfill the losses in their childhood," said Dr Hegstrom.
"For instance, a woman who grew up without a father might gravitate toward someone older and seemingly wiser whom she believes can help fill the void she's feeling. Or a man who was never listened to as a child might choose a mate that appears to be a good listener.
"When their mate innocently does something to trigger emotions about those childhood losses, instead of understanding what's at the heart of their anger they become angry at their mate. For example, a wife becomes angry with her husband for arriving home 30 minutes late. She's irate and he doesn't understand why this is such a big deal.
"Looking back at this lady's childhood we find out that her parents divorced because her father was having an affair and would frequently come in late. Her anger stems from fear that her husband might do the same thing to her BUT this is never discussed. Anger is always a secondary reaction to a primary feeling."
In order to get control over anger, Dr Hegstrom encourages individuals to identify how their parents and grandparents handled anger. What kind of losses did you experience during childhood? The next step is to identify what anger is and where it's coming from. Is it rooted in feelings of hurt, invalidation, frustration, fear, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, inadequacy, guilt, etc? These are trigger points.
Once a person knows their trigger points, instead of always reacting with anger they can step back, take a time out and say, "This is how I responded to what you said. Is that what you meant? When couples stop to discuss the little things, they are resolving conflict versus just reacting. "When individuals begin with childhood issues they begin to grow and heal in these areas," said Dr Hegstrom. "This process takes time. Many couples expect too much, too quick without any work. The value of a relationship is always greater than the conflict of the moment. If a person is teachable the issues are fixable."
A couple of weeks ago the Kueblers went on a trip with some friends. Mark and Lori ended up having a disagreement. The kids went swimming and Mark and Lori stayed in the room. After a period of silence both of them looked at each other and said, "We need to settle this and move on. We actually talked without raising our voices and without getting angry," said Mrs. Kuebler. "Once you realize you've come to that point where you can talk without yelling at each other it feels so good. When you're yelling you're not going to get anything settled, you're just going to make yourself even angrier. When you recognize 'we need to do things differently' you realize you've accomplished something in your marriage."
You may think it's too much of a hassle to LEARN how to resolve conflict the way marriage educators recommend. It seems awkward and "unnatural" to argue in such a manner. But we want to ask you, how is it working for you the way you've handled arguments with each other up to this point? Are you satisfied with the way you're resolving your conflicts?
Remember, we're told in the Bible that we're to treat each other as more important than ourselves. Are you doing that? Does your spouse feel heard and understood by the way you express yourself? "If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless" (James 1:26).
Gandhi once said, "My life is my message." How much more this should be true for those of us who are Christ followers! What message are you giving out in the way you're relating to your spouse? Are you communicating the gospel with and without words in the way you are handling your end of the conflicts you are having with your spouse? If not, pray about what you can do about it so that you "do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (Ephesians 4:29). Keep in mind that we have many articles and tools posted on our web site to help you in this mission at www.marriagemissions.com.
Not sure if you guys have any answers for me......
Posted : 20 Jul, 2009 05:28 PM
Dear Joy,
As I read your post, I felt in my heart to tell you: "Let the JOY of God in you radiate out. It will be irresistible"
I went back to read your profile and want to tell you this as well - I dont know if it is significantly different for men vs. women, but I personally dont think much about physical challenges. My only concern may be around being the sole bread winner, but in your case, you have clearly demonstrated in your profile that you are a smart woman who can and does provide for herself! Kudos to you!
So, pls do not worry. we ALL have our insecurities.
Me, I don't. I use cleaning ladies. I am not super duper rich (yet) but I have been known to spoil myself with some little luxuries, this being one of them. I am not a shophaolic and rarely buy mundane things. Actually, I hate to shop so I only go to the store because I NEED something. However, I divert some of the $ I save to these little luxuries.
I find myself fearful of the unknown again. Withdrawn into my intrinsically introverted core. Overwhelmed by what the future may hold. Wishing the past could be erazed and re-lived differently. Wishing it were all a dream and wake up to reality as it was meant to be.
Not enjoying fellowship with the father as I love to. Devotions full of petitions, but void of trust in the Father who loves me more than I could ever comprehend, and will not withhold from me anything good.
Have you been there before? I am 'there' right now. It could be the departure of the avalanche of family I so thoroughly enjoyed the last several days leading up to July 4th, until today. Yes, it could be the now quiet house. Or perhaps the connectedness this particular set of guests had, to the beginnings of what should have been. Or maybe just the stress of single parenting, or the effects of so much activity over so many months � new job, relocation, still church-hunting�
But if God has promised a restoration, why is it so hard to trust? Or what would that restoration look like? Are there really men who love their woman as Christ loves the church, or are they so "fallen-wired� that they would always use women, even if the woman were beyond Proverbs 31? Do men even love women remotely close to how Christ loves the church- Just a simple partnership of friendship in relationship/marriage? Are there really men who are Godly to the core?
Yeah, I am such an analyst - Trusting once was hard, trusting again is seeming to be hard again the last few days. Its been a LONG WHILE I felt this way and I thought I never would again. Well, here I am, frail and childish in the hands of my father. Oh, daddy, how I long to just know your plans in entirety of details!
How I long to know. Just to Know! Just like your Son may have longed in the garden of Gethsemane ? How hard that must have been! Having become fully man and disconnected from the privileges of divinity. How hard it must have been, knowing He must die, and wishing the cup be removed! Oh Lord Jesus, I TOTALLY feel you, and wish the same right now! That the cup be removed.
Have you been there before and been restored? Was it beyond your wildest dreams? Please share!
Struggling, but moving �forpward� (forward and upward), howbeit REALLY slow right now!
How good are you at mind reading? How about your spouse? If you're anything like us, you find mind reading to be a really frustrating experience -- for BOTH spouses! How many times have you heard (or said) similar statements to these: "Well, he/she should know how I feel about _____ and how it would upset me." "He/she has eyes and must see I could use help... why do I have to ask for it? No one would have to ask me!" Or, "If I have to ask for _____, why bother?" "Do I have to spell out everything I need from him (or her)?"
Do any of the above statements and questions sound familiar? In our 37 plus years of marriage, we've foolishly used them all, plus a few more. Through experience though, we've learned that "when mind reading is taken out of the marriage as an expected form of communication, husbands and wives and families can be spared a multitude of unnecessary frustration."
In the Bible God tells us, "By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures. A wise man has great power and a man of knowledge increases strength; for waging war you need guidance, and for victory many advisers." (Proverbs 24:3-6). So to help us to wage a victorious "war" against miscommunication, we'd like to share a few simple communication tools from a few gifted advisers.
One idea comes from Dr Steve Stephens: "'Often when we get flustered, we don't listen to each other,' Stephens said. 'And then even when we start to listen we interrupt the other person. 'He suggests that couples flip a coin to determine who will talk first. The winner of the coin toss then has three minutes to talk without being interrupted by the other person. At the end of those three minutes, the other person has three minutes of uninterrupted time to respond.'" (From article "Fight Fair in Marriage" posted at CBN.com)
Another communication tool comes from Smart Marriages.com. A woman said the following technique helped her and her husband "when faced with daily decisions like: 'Would you like to watch a movie?' or, 'Should we have my parents over Thursday?' etc." She explained that sometimes "it can be difficult to determine exactly how the other person really feels based on his/her response.' So to take the mystery and guesswork out of the decision-making equation, we quantify our feelings about a particular proposal by 'doing the numbers.' Here's how it works:
-- "Formulate and state the question by saying, 'How much would you like ____?' and then end it with a statement of action like 'to watch a movie? - or - 'to have my parents over Thursday?'
-- "Pause a moment to come up with a number between 1 and 10 that quantifies your feelings about the activity under consideration. Zero means that under no circumstances do you want to do it. Ten means you definitely want to do it. Five means you're completely neutral.
-- "When both spouses have a number in mind, count out loud to 3 and then state your respective numbers.
-- "If the total of your numbers is 11 or greater, then do the activity. If the total of your numbers is 10 or less, then don't do the activity.
"With this system you don't end up doing things that neither of you really cares to do, nor does the more forceful personality impose his or her will on the more reticent or easygoing spouse. Because you know that 11 is the cut-off and you share your numbers together at the same time, it's possible to express an honest assessment of how much or little you want to do something without there being as much pressure -- plus, it's an easy enough tool for anyone to use. You can even have an index card on your refrigerator that outlines these basic steps so it's handy to pull out and use whenever needed."
Sandra Aldrich's book "Men Read Newspapers Not Minds" gives another Communication Tool you could use. It's called a "Creative Number Technique." She wrote: "While trying to make a decision as to whether to attend a family event my friend's husband's gentle resignation caught her attention. As she pondered the dilemma, she turned the invitation over and drew a chart -- 5 squares in a row, numbered 1-5. She labeled each square in a row from 1-5. Then she labeled each square:
#1. "I really don't want to do this.
#2. "I don't want to do this, but I'm willing to talk about it.
#3. "I don't care one way or another.
#4. "I'd like to do this, but I won't die if we don't.
#5. "Yes, this is very, very important to me."
This lady's husband surprised her with how strong he felt on the issue because he didn't appear to have such strong feelings on the matter. After discussing the subject further, they came up with a plan that made them both agreeably happy with the decision. And as Sandra shares, "That good bonding time would never have happened if she hadn't come up with a better way to communicate with her husband." This simple tool can also be written on an index card and put somewhere close for handy reference at the appropriate time.
Another communication tip you might use: "Make a deal with your spouse that when you resolve the conflict, you will do something together that you both enjoy. This could be going out to dinner, watching a movie, or anything else that will motivate you to find a resolution quickly and then reconnect to each other in a loving way. 'It just makes it a positive thing, because a lot of times arguments can go on forever and ever,' Dr Steve Stephens said. 'This way, you get a resolution and then just move on.'" (From article "Fight Fair in Marriage" posted at CBN.com)
If you want more tips like these you can find them on our web site at www.marriagemissions.com in the "Communication Tools" section. Also, if you have a communication technique that you've found beneficial in your marriage, we hope you will post it on our web site to help others. It's important to live, learn and pass it along so the positive ripple effect can multiply in its benefits. "Others have done the hard work, and you have reaped the benefits of their labor" (John 4:38).
The Bible tells us, "Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice" (Proverbs 13:10). We pray the above tools will help you (and us) to leave pride behind and truly work toward approaching communication wisely.
and saying, "Are you serious?" What started out as a small disagreement quickly escalated into a blow out. "My feelings were hurt and I felt belittled" said Mrs Kuebler. "We ended up not speaking to each other for several days."