I left the title a little vague because I want to make a full explanation with my question for you ladies out there. The explanation follows but the question is how old is too old to be considered a possible candidate for a relationship?
Like many people these days I've found it hard to maintain a meaningful relationship. I have been fortunate enough to have children, which I always wanted but now find myself over 40 and single. I never thought it would even be a possibility when I was younger. Now I'm here trying to navigate this online dating and I have noticed some real issues that create a barrier.
The first thought is to look at women my own age but I find several issues there that show up over and over. One is they entered the phase of being more focused on their careers. There's nothing wrong with that but it's the opposite of what I need and it's linked to the second thing I've come against. The second thing is she is at or near the empty nest phase of life. Again, there's nothing wrong with that except it isn't what I need because I have a 7 and 8 year old. I understand a woman not wanting to go back to that phase once she has completed it before. The last thing I find to be very common, and I have to say I completely understand where they are coming from and wish they never had to go through, is they were burned bad. They spent their adult life giving their full support to their ex husband only for the marriage to fail and the guy to rake her over the coals and leave her with next to nothing. Because of this she will most likely never fully trust a man or fully invest herself into another relationship again. I know because of what these women frequently say in their profiles. I get it because everything they built their life around was uprooted and they had to start from scratch but one thing I'll never do is be held responsible for another man's wrong doing. I give my all for a good woman and love with all I have and I don't believe it's wrong to expect the same in return.
Because of the obstacles I listed above it seems to me I'm a better suited to a woman probably 5 or more years younger than me because most of the time they have children close in age to my own, which means they are in the same season as me. Instead of career focus, it's family focused. Along with that I have also found that younger women tend to be more accepting of a man's children than women my own age. That is a must for me. If I can't find a woman who will accept my kids I have no choice but to stay single for my children's good.
So, I also have a family history of younger women. My sister is 12 years younger than her husband, my cousin is 11 years younger than her husband, my mother is 12 years younger than my stepfather, my grandmother was 9 years younger than my grandfather. I don't look badly on couples with age gaps but I do find myself wondering if I find a lady interesting enough to message but is more than 5 years younger than me, if she would think I'm some kind of freak for approaching her.
There is my explanation. I'm hoping it isn't confusing as I tried to type it out quickly. I'm truly looking forward to reading any opinions I get from you ladies. Thank you.
I think once you have an idea of what it is you're looking for, it's just a case of getting out there and trying to find it, wether it's on or offline...:-)
my 2nd husband was 18 years younger than me...we like the same things, same church, same politics...same entertainment and some "alone" time. worked out great for 25 years. Do what you want to do
Thank you for the response so far. I don't know why I get bothered by it. I helped a lady who married a man 30 years older than herself and I didn't think anything of it but when I consider messaging someone 5, 8, or as much as 10 years younger I can't help but think that she will see me as some guy "looking for a younger model ". That's not what I'm doing just to clarify lol. I'm just looking for someone who accepts the fact I have 2 kids under 10 and maybe has some of her own around the same age and together we can help each other nurture the kids and raise them in a sound church.
It sounds like you're judging yourself most of all. Examining all of the variables in one's life like you have is a sign of both wisdom and maturity. If you take a look at Hollywood, those large age-gap marriages leave a lot of room for the imagination. On the shallow end of the spectrum, money and perceived wealth can completely negate the need for close communication, great camaraderie, and genuine love but it's more like a transaction and purchase at that point. In my time on earth, I have yet to see genuine love like we get from the Lord on sale. That kind of love is completely free from above and it's done correctly.
People are all at different stages in their life, their emotional maturity, how they communicate and express love provided they are capable of doing so. While my wordy offering here may seem biased on account of being a man, I find no fault or unGodly agenda in trying to find a spouse who can either still offer you children for a larger family, accommodate the children you may already have, or just love you the way God's children are taught to love. There may be some out there who are more on the superficial side and just desire God's artwork in a younger form to appreciate and admire the best way they know how. We all like what we like uniquely.
The age thing - probably more important in youth but in adulthood it doesn't really matter so much when two hearts have a desire to be in the same place and flourish together under divine guidance from above. It's just a number.
Be at peace, and no matter what age you may end up with - love her dearly.
seems ironic that you don't want to be judged for your age and for wanting to write women who are 10 or more years younger, while at the same time judging women who are your own age for being career focused, bitter and unwilling to deal with young children.
(yes, i'm reacting as the dagger is pointed squarely - and unfairly - at me :P :P ).
i've had friends and coworkers over the years of government service... and those three negative traits transcend age quite emphatically. In fact, the woman who had the most bitter anger towards her husband (sadly, it was mutual) was in her mid 20s. (how on earth she got to that point still confuses me... they both had successful careers the cutest baby and no real reason to almost homicidally hate each other... sad).
its also not unusual for a woman to be career focused in her 20s and 30s and then 'oh poo' realize that she's waited really long to have a family and then desperately hope that she's still able... so i wouldn't think that career focus is anymore tied to age...
and me? still have a seven year old daughter at my age that i'd be sorely sad without. sure, some people want an empty nest at some point, but there's plenty of women who want to go from taking care of children, to helping take care of grandchildren :). At same time there's women in 20s and 30s who either don't like children, or have them and try to still live night life and as if their children are a burden...
hmm... i really shouldn't post this *cat jumps on computer mouse* *click* :P
It's sad when when people make snap-judgements about others and their motives, based on one sentence in their profile, or a "tick-a-box" answer.
(I read one lady's profile in which she was ranting against mature men who ticked the "undecided box" for children, accusing them all of being cradle-snatchers out to marry a young trophy-wife.)
But way I figure it, if somebody is going to judge me, and reject me outright, based on something like that, then she is probably not the type I would want a relationship with.
Now yes, you will find people who are extremely focussed on age. I'm not (I am currently corresponding with a lady several years my senior) provide we both sit well within the "Mature Adult" category.
I am always very respectful when contacting a lady, and if it's a younger lady who is put off by the age-difference, then I apologise and move along. If they're not interested, then I've lost nothing. And even if they think "oh creepy old dude" well that's sad, and I apologise, but again have lost nothing. (Oh, and I do have a limit :-))
To the OP, I can sympathise, this OlD is far from perfect, and it can seem that wherever we're looking there is a lack of success "because of X". All I can suggest is that we be patient.
