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Linnie41 View Profile	I'm not ready. Posted : 14 Sep, 2009 04:09 PM Thanks everyone so much for your prayers. It's truly appreciated. I'm usually pretty upbeat and positive about her cancer. I know it will take her life, but we've become closer in these months, and I'm truly blessed to have been given the opportunity to change my views on her, our relationship, priorities, and living. It just gets difficult when I let the focus slip off the big picture - her eternal salvation and everlasting life with God, and put it on the small picture - me. I don't remember a day in my life that I haven't spoken to her on the phone at least once. Not deep conversations, mind you, but a phone call to say things like, "Do you have a hammer I can borrow?" It will be strange to know she's not there anymore and I'm already wondering how many times I'll try to call her phone number out of habit once she's gone. I have to remind myself sometimes that her life with our Creator will be so much more wonderful than a life here on earth loaning out hammers. With the friends and family I have here, and the incredible people (you) that I have met online, I know I'll get through this. I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me.
Linnie41 View Profile	I Don't Get it.... Posted : 14 Sep, 2009 12:05 PM I see what you mean, Cattle, but the thing is, it wasn't expensive medicine. Not only that, but he offered to pick some up for her - she didn't ask him to. It was under $2 - I'd spend two bucks on someone I DIDN'T like! Lol I know you're just playing his advocate, but all in all, this guy sounds like a cheap-skate in dork's clothing. ;-)
Linnie41 View Profile	Oposite Sex Friends Within An Exclusive Relationship Heading Towrards Marriage. Posted : 11 Sep, 2009 05:27 PM Sacred Warrior, I agree with you completely, totally, absolutely, without a doubt, 100%!!! It is NOT a control issue, it's a matter of respect for the person you're with. I've done rounds with people about this - but it all boils down to meaning it when you say someone is #1 in your life (next to God, of course). Good post - I hope everyone here reads this one. Blessings! Lynn
Linnie41 View Profile	I Don't Get it.... Posted : 11 Sep, 2009 01:30 AM I feel for you, and I'm not trying to be insensitive at all, but I can't stop giggling. That is one of the weirdest things I have ever heard. It's one of those shake your head, giggle and have that confused look on your face all at the same time moments. I can completely understand why you keep making excuses. But please, because if nothing else - we're all wanting to know, ask him why he charged you for the visine. That is just too, uh...funny? Bless you- Lynn
Linnie41 View Profile	I'm not ready. Posted : 10 Sep, 2009 03:41 AM Today I watched my mom eat. She ate slowly, chewing every bite extremely well before swallowing. She then took a drink to help it go down. We had pizza, and the kids and I were done long before she had taken three bites. The tumor is coming back. I realize it's four in the morning, I'm tired, and my emotions are running high, but I'm not ready for this. I thought I would have another year at least with her, and a year is a long time to put off thinking about the inevitable. But now it's hitting me head on that the cancer is back, full force. She has made the decision to starve to death when she can no longer swallow at all. She will refuse another feeding tube. When the cancer was first detected (because she was having a hard time swallowing), it was a few months before they put in the tube. I looked it up, and dying by starvation takes 1-2 weeks. That's it. 1-2 weeks. So from the moment that she can no longer eat or drink, I will be able to almost time her death. And judging from the onset of the last time she couldn't swallow, she may not make it past Christmas. And I thought I had another year. I'm just not ready for this. I want to go back in time - I want to slap my 15-year-old face for thinking she might be an embarrassment to me at the store. I want to go to bed when she told me to, instead of staying up and making her lose sleep. I want to go back and take her advice - wait for some things, and not hold back for other things. I want to take back all the times I lied to her and did stuff behind her back. I want to take back all the times I wouldn't open up to her, although she wanted to be there for me, because I thought she was too old and just wouldn't understand. In reality, she understood...and waited to pick up the pieces. I know many times she may have thought she could have been a better parent to me. I realize now that's not true. I could have been a better kid to her. I'm an adult. I know the pain of childbirth, I know the pain of divorce, I know the pain of life's curve balls. But in facing this, I feel like I'm eight years old again, asking my mom what would happen if she would die. And I can still hear her response: "You don't ever need to worry about that. I'll live forever." Typical response to an eight year old, but at 42, I still want to know what I'm going to do without her. Am I okay? No, I'm not. I think about the end - when she's in the hospital in the last days. Will she grab my hand and tell me she's not ready yet? Will she cry and be afraid? And worst of all, will she try to protect me and only cry when she's alone? I think we reach a time when you're not only the child, but you also become the parent to your parent - you have the same fierce love and protective instincts that you do with your own children. How can I look at her and tell her everything will be okay through tears? How can I calm her if she's afraid of letting go, especially when I want to hang onto her? Will I be able to hold myself together when I know it's nearing the end, when what I need to do is be strong? And what is strong, anyway? Trying to make her believe that death is no big deal? It is a big deal. It's huge. Call this a momentary lack of faith, call it being human. I don't know. I believe she will be with Christ when she dies - I have no doubts about that. But it's the transition that scares me. And if you're truly honest with yourself and have ever thought about or faced your own mortality, the transition scares us all. Eternity was placed in our hearts - not in our minds.

Linnie41 View Profile	What are mind games? Posted : 9 Sep, 2009 05:03 PM Exactly, Ian. If God had wanted this to work, it would have. Oh well. Next. Lol
Linnie41 View Profile	could use some prayer.... Posted : 8 Sep, 2009 12:27 PM Oh no!!! I'll be praying for a speedy recovery, no surgery, and the hay to get baled in record time. I'm also with you thanking God that it wasn't worse.
Linnie41 View Profile	Gods Love Posted : 8 Sep, 2009 03:58 AM The part that gets me is that God gave his only son for people He knew would never come to Him. He died for each and every person who has and ever will live. He died for Hitler. He died for Ted Bunde. He died for the worst of the worst of the worst (in our eyes, of course), just to give them the chance. Can you imagine giving your child's life for someone you knew would for the rest of their life laugh at your child, make fun of him, use his name as a vulgarity, and have absolutely no appreciation whatsoever of the sacrifice he had made? His love is unfathomable.
Linnie41 View Profile	TAVISTOCK - How the Elite Plays God Posted : 6 Sep, 2009 11:12 PM Where's Ian when we need him? :)
Linnie41 View Profile	Don't call her mom....I'm your mom. Posted : 6 Sep, 2009 06:57 PM I thought about this, and I guess I kind of see it from a different standpoint. My daughter's step-mom (yes, she and my X are married), is fantastic with my daughter (who is now 21, by the way). My daughter still calls her by her first name, but when I refer to her, I say things like "how's your other mom?" or "what's your bonus-mom up to?" In the beginning, I sent this woman a card once, thanking her for being so great with my daughter. I told her how much I appreciated her for accepting Toni as one of her own. We started talking on the phone here and there, and over time, became good friends. Recently, she and my X, along with their two boys, came to the town we live in and stayed for 4 days at a motel in town. We had a great time together - she and I ditched everyone else to go shopping a few times. We have no ill feelings toward each other at all. The best part of it all is how my daughter has been raised. She's been raised with an even bigger family, with more people who love her, that all get along. Can you imagine what it did for her self-esteem to see her parents AND step family all together and spending time together with zero fighting? I've had to bite my tongue a few times over the years (as they probably have, too), but over trifle things that really didn't matter to begin with. And it's well worth it to have what we have now. Your son will always know you're mom. If he doesn't feel comfortable calling her mom, then he shouldn't. But if this does progress to marriage, do what you can to get along with her AND your X. It's not about our differences - it's about raising our kids. And everyone will be happier because of it. Bless you! Lynn